May 30 2010

Dancing In the Rain

Published by at 11:33 pm under An Ongoing Conversation . . .

It’s been raining in the Napa Valley. And raining… and raining… and raining. It’s been cold, too. April in California this year was the 12th coldest in the 113 years anyone has been keeping records. And just when I thought it was over, it rained most of May as well. It even hailed, turning  CiCi’s Garden momentarily into a winter postcard!

Coupled with the unseasonably cold and wet weather, lately I have had bouts of sadness that linger without any apparent immediate cause. I’ve wondered if barometric pressure is to blame, or maybe it’s what’s going on in our world. Our nation is being crushed under the weight of a massive 14 trillion dollar debt. Maybe it’s learning that the 1,000th young American serviceman just died in southern Afghanistan. Easily it could be watching the most horrific environmental disaster the United States has ever faced worsen every day with 20 million (and counting) gallons of crude oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico and devastating more than 70 miles of Louisiana’s coastline and wildlife habitat.

It gets far more personal when trouble hits home –literally. Our mortgage is upside-down and CiCi’s Garden may be in jeopardy! Perhaps, like so many others, I am suffering with a light case of low-grade depression. However, since I have an ongoing love affair with life and its simple joys, I usually bounce back quickly. I rarely entertain the creeping anxiety that waits like a plague for those who succumb to their miseries by habitually wondering, “Will I ever be happy?” It’s made me have to stop and retrace my steps.

My Blog is dedicated to exploring how to work through the residual effects women often experience as a result of being a survivor of child abuse or neglect, domestic violence, or any other trauma or loss –even years after her life has become “normal”. One of those residual effects for me is sadness, often coupled with vague feelings of guilt when I can’t fix a troubling situation –leftovers from a troubled childhood. The real problem arises when I am driven to find something I CAN fix, or think I can fix. This derailment can lead to detours and wasted years because, unfortunately, the psychology of this sort of thing can lead a woman to subconsciously seek out other unfixable situations, or in my case narcissistic or otherwise emotionally unavailable men.

It has to stop somewhere. For me, I stopped trying to fix unfixable things –or more accurately, I am in a continual process of learning how to let things BE. When it is raining I may dance in it rather than hoist an umbrella. Figuratively or otherwise.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain. ~Author Unknown

And who knows? A lovely rainbow may surprise you, like the one I caught on my iPhone from my car window when leaving work a few weeks ago.

I invite you, dear reader, to share with me and other readers how you or someone you know has dealt with any residual effects leftover from being a survivor of trauma.

4 responses so far

4 Responses to “Dancing In the Rain”

  1. Cassieon 31 May 2010 at 1:09 am

    Wow…..I share in this exact experience. Except for the troubled childhood part….my whole life has been troubled. From myself mostly. THAT is what I am trying to change. I shake off that small nagging sad/anxious feeling (sometimes it takes longer than others…lol) by affirming myself TO myself. It will never matter WHAT other people SAY you are, unless you believe that about yourself. I am a strong, powerful and sensitive woman, and by that being, do I surround myself with like creatures. I love you as always, my beautiful, couragous, and expressive Mother. :)

  2. Patriciaon 31 May 2010 at 2:55 pm

    My dear daughter,
    Thank you for stepping out and joining in this “ongoing conversation” in CiCi’s Garden. Unfortunately, you DID experience a troubled childhood, one that I desperately tried to fix and only made progressively worse (case in point!). You do not need to protect me from this truth, which is what children try to do for the mothers they love who have inadvertently hurt them while they themselves were being wounded. Perhaps this is where the Biblical statement regarding woes being visited upon one’s children for several generations plays out: hurt children trying to fix things even as their hurt mothers were trying to, and so on and so on. You express self blame, sweetheart, and though we must acknowledge our part in any circumstances we help to create, I encourage you and anyone else who is reading this to understand that blame has often been heaped upon our heads as part of the abuse we endured, thus becoming a familiar and well-worn emotional response. My advice is to acknowledge mistakes but do not linger over them. Move quickly to self affirmation, as you have so wisely learned to do, my beautiful, courageous and expressive daughter!

  3. Kjerstion 27 Sep 2010 at 11:45 pm

    I never knew I was looking for this place until I found it :) I have worked hard and had a lot of help and found mostly peace and happiness. But there are still shadows when I turn around. and untold stories that have no place being told, even existing. Here I find well written honesty. It is like a cool glass of water on a hot day. I know I’m not the only one, but it’s easy to feel that way. Thank you for writing!

  4. Patriciaon 29 Sep 2010 at 3:20 am

    Dear Kjersti,

    Thank you, again, for writing. I’m glad you found CiCi’s Garden. Each time I write a blog I send it out trusting that it will find its way to those who will find it helpful, maybe inspiring, and that it will bring a smile to someone’s heart. And there it is… your smiley face!! Please visit often and keep writing your thoughts. Just like you felt less alone after reading my words, another woman will be comforted by yours.


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